Less is More

Thanks again Jose for sending me the book on St. Francis. The first 30 pages were so good that I couldn't stand to keep writing down quotes and thoughts on stitcky-notes and decided to head to Borders to buy a copy for myself. Really, I can't stand to read a good book without writing in the margins, underlining, etc. and G.K. Chesterton's life of Saint Francis of Assisi is one of the best books that I've come across in a long time - well worth the purchase.

In other literature-related news, I went down to the library today and checked out the book club pick for this month: "My Life in France" by Julia Child.

Chapstick, Chapped Lips, and Things Like Chemistry

G.K Chesterton says of St. Francis "His life was one riot of rash vows," and that "Never was any man so little afraid of his own promises."

That courage of resolve comes from a dedication to honesty, that few are manly enough to seize with surety. We have already wronged so many. We are all so in debt already, how could we ever just decide to become men of our word? I know I'm in debt to nearly everyone I know, for so many things that even if I tried to remember them all I couldn't. So what hope is there?

The only hope is to be so completely transparent and so ready with your charity that others see in you a consciousness of universal debt. We owe each other more than we can say, so whether you get your philosophy of charity from St. Francis, or from the movie Pay It Forward, or from Barrack Obama's words at the DNC this week:

"This country is more decent than one where a woman in Ohio, on the brink of retirement, finds herself one illness away from disaster after a lifetime of hard work.
This country is more generous than one where a man in Indiana has to pack up the equipment he's worked on for twenty years and watch it shipped off to China, and then chokes up as he explains how he felt like a failure when he went home to tell his family the news.
We are more compassionate than a government that lets veterans sleep on our streets and families slide into poverty; that sits on its hands while a major American city drowns before our eyes."

It all amounts to the same thing: as individuals we are better than our baggage. Now you may not agree with the way that someone else says it, but the choice we have is simple. Whenever we decide to we can clean up our act and start acting like Christ. And what's beautiful about that is that Christ was the most human person ever to live. He did humanity right and in him is every true aspect and characteristic of every individual that will ever live.

To sum it up: the Truth of humanity is so incomprehensibly big and so incomprehensibly a part of who God is that I am confident that in heaven we'll experience everything that we find true and good and beautiful on Earth.

This all struck me last night as I walked down a side-street after dark listening to the song "Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band. I realized that there is something about this song that reveals an aspect of humanity that was previously unstated or at least never stated so beautifully. And because of that unalterably true aspect of that song, I'm sure that a part of the adoration of Truth in heaven, whatever that ends up looking like, will include what is good and beautiful about the song "Ants Marching".

I love literature because it always attempts to say more clearly and more beautifully what we already know. Music is the same. There's something that always gets me about the song "In The Belly of the Whale," which is a children's song from the Veggie Tales movie about Jonah and the whale. The story of Jonah is one of those stories that captures a certain aspect of humanity better than it has ever been captured before.

Now, Jonah is by no means a long story, but when the Veggie Tales song sums it all up in the lines "got outta dodge, sailed on a bon-less bon voyage, you said North, I headed South, tossed overboar,d good Lord that's a really large mouth," I can't help but think that as silly as it is, it's incredibly pleasing to God.


And if all that bored you:

Brought to you by an unusual propensity toward rodentia on the part of Productivity 501, here are some tips on how to live your life from rats:
1. When you want to learn a skill, sleep a lot.
2. Too busy or tired to exercise? It's probably because you aren't exercising.
3. And finally: don't be influenced by preconceptions, otherwise your preconceptions will influence others.

On Holiday

With a week down and 35 more to go I feel a little bit like a 6 year-old starring down the bottomless abyss of formal schooling.

This Week The Trend...

...was to get myself up about 5am, take the few unconscious hours that I have to spend, and work away the rest of them.

My kids are great. They really are. I don't think there's a brighter 8th grade class in the country, and I'll prove that to you come standardized test time. Also, after taking a couple hours just to finish some grading and enter it into the computer, I discovered that the student who has been my biggest discipline problem so far (which just means that he doesn't sit up straight and tries in small ways to be a class clown) is the only student thus far with a perfect A. After 3 quizzes, 5 homework assignments, and a writing lab, he has yet to miss a point. These kids are really good, and, despite the fact that they are only in 8th grade, most have done a pretty good job of understanding everything I say, even in the moments when I'm teaching in a way that would be more appropriate for seniors in high school.

Gauging the level at which I can lecture and the level at which I can expect my students to perform is going to be one of my biggest problems.

Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop using craptop to get some internet-related work done. Craptop is Brad's old hollowed-out computer that has neither battery, nor floppy drive, nor CD drive, and to top it all off the cord is covered with an electrical tape coat in an effort to make it more likely that the power-supply won't be cut off (which in the absence of a battery shuts the computer off immediately). Despite all that I've seldom been more thankful for a machine as i've been unable to "borrow" internet at home as of late.

Someday I do plan to return that internet. My future business (constructed on the Mr. Whitford business model) entitled "Good Times" will have free Wi-Fi.

If you didn't already know, and I'm pretty sure only two of you did, I signed up for RCIA classes last Sunday after mass. Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults is a preperatory program for receiving the sacraments in the Catholic church. So, over the next several months, starting September 6th, I'll be attending weekly cathecism class with the intent of entering the church at Easter. So, if you have reading material or well constructed arguments for me either about the Church, or about why I should run the other way, I'd like to hear what you have to say.

Is it wrong to listen to my blog playlist while writing my next post? It feels a little perverse.

Once again, I know I say this every couple days, but you should really listen to The Good Word playlist. Each post is named for a song and those songs grace the sidebar of the page. You can't really know me without knowing my music and I'd like to think that you wouldn't mind adding some of it to your own personal collection.

I laid off coffee this week so that I didn't end up getting jittery in class. But in the future I'll keep this in mind:



There are probably about a thousand episodes, but I really should start getting together a complete collection of The Red Green Show on DVD. It's one of the few really materialistic goals I have in life - along with having a secret part of my house that you can only get to by swimming through an underwater tunnel.

Do You Sleep?

My students all have to wear uniforms and I'm required to wear dress slacks and a tie. The students attempt small modifications like wearing short white socks with their blue Dockers and trying to hide the fact that they've got on a white belt when the dress code calls for black or brown. So far this week I've worn a sport coat or a suit every day, but yesterday I wore my Pi Phi boxers and my FBL t-shirt underneath it all. I felt pretty rebellious.

The Trouble with 'Tillas -or- The Great Blog-out of '08

This is just a slightly cleaned up version of a post I decided not to use a couple days ago, but since I'm no longer able to steal wireless dependably from my home you'll find this post to be distinctly mono-media. I'll try to get to a coffee house tomorrow and perhaps get some official internets in the coming week again. For now this is the best I can do:

I feel 100% wiped out at the end of every day. I've been keeping the Ramen to a minimum lately and trying to eat healthier, despite the fact that I'm still waiting on Friday and the arrival of my first paycheck.

In my search for healthy and cheap food, I figured out that tortillas cost less than bread and since they are used in wraps I figure they are more healthy. However, yesterday I realized far too late that I had eaten tortillas for all three meals: a PB&J tortilla for breakfast, a turkey tortilla for lunch, and burritos for dinner.

When I finally got around to asking the internet whether bread or tortillas were the healthier option, this is the conversation I found on Yahoo Answers (my commentary is in italics):

Question: Are tortillas fattening? Do they have fewer calories than bread? Are they a low calorie snack?

Response #1: depends on if they r baked or fried
read the facts on the sides of the products and it also depends on the type of bread

This answer was deemed 'the best' by the person who asked the question originally; it is the least assertive and furthest away from an actual answer of any sort.

Response #2: no. actually, tortillas are more healthier than bread. so no, its not fattening. if i were you, i would throw out my bread and get some tortilla wraps.

This person states their opinion as a fact, then cites their opinion as authoritative, then gives some personal advice.

Response #3: no tortillas have a few calories but not as much as bread does, tortillas are actually a good diet food just not too many.

Again, this person says nothing.

Response #4: nahh..more fattening than bread.way more carbs & calories

This person disagrees with everyone above and decides that they don't need to cite any authority to do so.

Response #5: yes i believe they are better than bread, as they are thinner.

This person believes that they are better, because they appear to be thinner. I would have liked to have responded that they were more fattening because of their more round shape.


Those wonderful people are why I am a teacher, so that no person I ever meet will spend their time answering objective questions on Yahoo answers without actually looking into the subject at hand, or really even understanding how to have an argument in the first place.

Rant over.

My first week of school is officially over and for the first time I'm really celebrating Labor Day. I feel as though God has given me this extra 24 hour period of weekend-goodness to spend it in giving my body a constant supply of beer and nachos. I kicked that off this afternoon at "happy hour" at a local microbrew with some colleagues.

Reasons Why

Today as I reached into the inside pocket of my suit jacket for a pen, I felt something strange and pulled out Katie's garter from Brian's wedding. Good thing all my students were working intently on their writing labs.

I have been utterly exhausted the past few days. Basically I'm tired and I miss you guys.

Here's why:

And to a hundred others: Thanks.

Heart Songs

My second day went much more smoothly than the first, so much so, in fact, that I decided to run the Jack Quinn 5K last night. That would be the weekly 5k with the local running club that begins and ends at an Irish pub. The idea is that you run and then drink. Not exactly my favorite combination, but I'm sure I'll take full advantage of the amenities offered by Jack Quinn's to the runners some other night. They also feed you pasta, salad, and bread, and after 10 runs you get a free shirt. It doesn't cost anything to run so it's pretty much the best deal this side of the Mississippi.

Good move on Jack Quinn's part. I won't have to pull a Panino's on them to feel like I'm getting my money's worth.

Also, I not only got encouragement from several of you by phone and via comment, but I also got some surprises today.

Something to Blog About

Throughout today I received four packages from faraway friends. First of all, midway through my school day, I received a mysterious package from Stephen Wood at the Family Life Center in South Carolina. My first thought was "Huh, I wonder if Karen told someone I was teaching Latin and they sent me something." But, it turns out that Karen just used company mailing labels to send a bag of pretzels to my school.

Then, when I got home I not only had a gigantic package (like 5 inches tall) placed oh-so-subtly under my doormat, but I also had two smaller parcels in my mailbox.


These are credited to Jose, Kendra, and Maggie respectively. From Jose, I have a copy of G.K. Chesterton's Life of Saint Francis, from Kendra a copy of Joy of Cooking, which looks amazing, and from Maggie (via the Money Saving Mom blog) a month's supply of multi-vitamins.
Also, I got a shout-out from Jennette on her blog, for which I am also thankful.

You guys really made my day today and I wanted to thank you for it. Really I'm just glad I'm not a bee with AIDS.


This blog's for you.




Wow. I really crossed a line with that one....

You've Got to Hide Your Love Away

Wow. In the words of Mike: "oh my kittens." That was a crazy day. Not so much because of the day itself, but because I have to do it again, and while I spent two weeks preparing for yesterday, I only had 16 hours to prepare for today.

The Three Step Plan

Class went well, it really did. The kids were quiet and well behaved. I didn't stutter over my material, I didn't forget to mention anything too major and the worst part of the day was when I accidentally saved over my book check-out document with a temporary attendance spreadsheet.

In our second session of English class today we read the poem "There is no frigate like a book" by Emily Dickinson. These kids are going to get their fill of Dickinson, but I thought beginning with that poem was especially appropriate because of the subject matter and the fact that it is ingrained upon the deepest part of my gray-matter in the voice of Mr. Tobey who read it in my own 7th grade English class.

The poem is as follows:

There is no frigate like a book
To take us lands away,
Nor any coursers like a page
Of prancing poetry.
This traverse may the poorest take
Without oppress of toll;
How frugal is the chariot
That bears a human soul!

I loved telling the kids about how Emily Dickinson slowly developed into an incurable recluse, and how her poems were only gathered and published after her death when they were found stuffed into her desk and even into the walls of her bedroom where she spent most of her adult life. For my money she is one of the greatest minds that ever lived and perhaps it was because she confined herself to the small beauties of her hometown and childhood home. Emily only traveled further than a few miles from Amherst once, and that was to visit her father who was serving as a congressman in Washington, D.C.

It was the simplicity of Emily Dickinson's life that really allowed her to become a great writer and thinker. She knew very little of the world, she had very few books to read, but what she knew she knew exceptionally well.

It occurred to me the other day that to be fully human - to be really living the human experience - only three things are essential, and that our models of humanity, from Shakespeare and Dante to John Paul II and Ronald Reagan, have shown us what this progression looks like.

1. Know Yourself - The truth is often so incomprehensibly simple that it can take us years to wrap our minds around even a small aspect of it. From our birth, our education should not be centered on "doing," but on being. It is not and has never been our job to find a profession or to learn a trade, but it turns out these things happen naturally as we learn to see the native beauty in ourselves and the world around us. But how does this education take place? Well, as I see it, if you are given access to formal education then the best way is through the masterworks of Western literature:Homer, Virgil, Dante, Shakespeare, Milton. When you are done with them: raking leaves, swimming, taking long walks, stargazing, playing with children, cooking your own meals, building a fire. That's how we become human. Neither the means nor the definition of humanity have ever changed, we've just developed an increasing number of inventions to distract us.

2. Make Yourself - As we digest the beauty of the universe and the produce of minds who have devoted their lives to pursuing the highest truths of the nature of man, we slowly begin to see the disparity between what we are and we ought to be. Between Jesus, Socrates, King Arthur, Odysseus and Atticus Finch, we have no excuse for wanting to stay the way we are and not conforming ourselves to a higher standard.

3. Make Yourself Known - "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree rotten and its fruit rotten, because a tree is known by its fruit." - Matthew 12:33. Most literature, poetry, and culture in general today is a result of men forcing their way past self-knowledge to making themselves known. I can't imagine that a mind like Shakespeare or Emily Dickinson could do anything but write. You can see in their words that no matter how intricate and layered their meaning and intent, the composition was the effortless and natural consequence of comprehending real and abiding truth. I don't want to make this sound like reaching nirvana or anything like that, but I can't imagine how such understanding and comprehensive souls could do anything but provide, out of their abundance, signs and symbols that might act as intermediaries for the rest of us. Much like the atoning sacrifice of Christ, these giants of intellect devoted their lives and often their deaths to building a bridge between us and the truth.

Time

Today I demand that you all listen to the song of the day. It's so good and so 90's.

Monthiversary/First Day of School

Today marks a couple milestones. First, is it the monthiversary of my blog. I've managed to post every day since July 25th, which was a big goal I set for myself at the end of the summer. It's also my first day of school. Today I'll finally begin the year that has been in the back of my mind since I was old enough not to want to be a zookeeper when I grew up. It seems surreal that I'll actually be doing it.

I'm nervous and excited. I've told myself again and again how I want to carry myself. How I want to interact with the students. I know that if I walk with integrity and convey an earnest love for what I'm teaching, then if I fail it will be because teaching is not my vocation. We'll see what the first day brings. As prepared as I am for the exhaustion, I don't think there's any way I can be prepared for experiencing my first day with the middle schoolers.

I love that some of these kids will be in my class for three hours a day. All 7th and 8th graders at CMCA have two English classes per day and about 15 of my students will be back again for Latin.

Here's how my room looks at the moment. If all goes well the blank spaces on the wall will soon be filled with poems that we read and discuss in class, artwork from the Latin students as they illustrate vocabulary words, and the quotations which we will discuss at the start of each class.So, think of me today. Remember how your 8th grade year went and let me know what to look out for, what to do, and what not to do. I'll owe about half of you a call when I'm done for the day. Hopefully I'll still be standing when it's over.

Mexican Wine

Last night I was invited to a house-cooling party (the opposite of a house-warming) and while it sounds like something you might do after someone dies, it was just a pretty chill end-of-summer bash. The party was populated primarily by teachers and employees of Focus on the Family, but don't let that fool you, it was pretty rocking. Also, it was fiesta themed which meant that I was supposed to bring a snack el Mexicano, so thanks to all of you who gave me recipes throughout last week. What I came up with in the end was kind of a combination of those suggestions plus a little personal flair.

How to Make Man-Nachos

Before going to the grocery store I wrote out the entire recipe that Maggie gave me, added elements from about three others, and wrote in big letters at the top of my list "CROCK POT???"

I did end up buying the crock pot and while it might not have been necessary, it sure was fun and I'm sure I'll get my $15-worth out of it (I think they were all on sale for college students returning to school).

I'll give the full list of ingredients at the end of the post, but for now I'll just give you the play-by-play on the creation of the ultimate Mexican dish.

1. Prepare the meat: Brown 1 and 1/2 lbs of ground beef (or whatever) in in the biggest frying pan you've got. After meat is mostly browned add in 4 or more of the biggest cloves of garlic you can find. Then add as much jalapeno pepper as you can stand, remembering that the longer jalapeno cooks the stronger it gets. I added two peppers, cooked it on the stove for about twenty minutes and then in the crock pot for about two hours and it was plenty hot enough for my tastes.2. Prepare the salsa: While your meat is browning you can take the time to prepare the salsa that will end up topping this monstrosity of a meal. I bought one big jug of Pace and, using an near-empty salsa jar, combined it with several healthy scoops of crushed pineapple. This way you can get a good fruit salsa and still be able to buy the cheap bulk stuff. The more fruit you add the sweeter it gets. 3. Stove to crockpot. At this point your meat should be pretty well browned. Take one 160z can of Hormel chili and one packet of taco seasoning and add these to the mix. I gave this another couple minutes on the stove and then transferred the whole lot to the crock pot. This stuff can hang out as long as you want it to. Like I said earlier, the longer it sits, the stronger the jalapeno gets. You be the judge.4. Final prep. When you're down to about 30 minutes until serving time, begin final prep. This includes cutting up fresh tomotatoes to sprinkle as a garnish, preheating the oven for melting your cheese, heating up a 16oz can of refried beans, and realizing that the head of lettuce you thought you bought was actually a cabbage.
5. Putting it all together. In a large Pyrex pan, or whatever, place a layer of your favorite chips. Try to set up chips all around the perimeter so that they can easily be used for dipping. Spread the refried beans as the bottom layer on top of the chips. Sprinkle a ton of cheese all over this and put it in the over for about 5 minutes to melt. Then add the meat from the crock pot over the melted cheese, pour a healthy (I used a whole 24oz can) amount of your salsa over the meat.
6. Finished product. Top the salsa with another layer of cheese and your sliced tomatoes and you've got pretty much the most hardcore Mexican meal ever devised.
Final stats:
1 and 1/2 lbs ground beef
1 large bag of chips
16oz can of refried beans
16oz can of Hormel chili with beans
2 jalapeno peppers
4-20 cloves of garlic
1 small can of crushed pinapple
1 large container of your favorite salsa
1 packet of taco seasoning
At least 2 cups of cheese
2-3 Roma tomatoes
1 medium head of cabbage

Cook time: Anywhere from 40 minutes to 4 hours depending on how long you want the meat and spices to stew.

Thanks again to everyone who sent me recipe help. Feel free to advise me further on how to put my crock pot to good use. And seriously, this stuff went like hotcakes at the party (why doesn't anyone ever bring hotcakes to parties) so you should try it. Like I always say: garlic makes the meal.

Take A Chance on Me

Friday night is date night, and if you're anything like me you spend it writing blog posts.

Unbelievable Dating Advice from the Unassuming Bachelor

-or-
I Spent All Night in a Ramen-Induced Coma and Slept Through Today's Movie Review

I've got a lot to say about things. Lots of things. Important things. But mostly I confine myself to a few platforms: the relative nutritional virtue of Wheat Thins, the impact of Science Fiction as a literary genre, and obscure cultural references in Barenaked Ladies songs.

What I don't know anything about thought is dating. In the divinely inspired works of the Old Testament book of Proverbs:

There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Four which I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a serpent on a rock,
The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,
And the way of a man with a maid.

- Proverbs 30:18-19

So, like most of the time, I'm going to be speaking to you about a subject on which I have no authority, and probably (statistically) the worst record of anyone I know (do the math). Without further ado three helpful tips on dating, the first installment of an ongoing series on the art of love.

Concepts to Know:

1. Net self-esteem differential.

The cruelest reality of the dating world is this: we all have our place. You have a certain range of eligible members of the opposite gender outside of which you will never successfully date. Now, contrary to popular belief this "target range" isn't determined by the amount of money you make, your social circle, how sweet of a car you drive, or even your looks. No, while all that stuff does matter, and it matters much more than most other factors, it doesn't actually determine your range.

The only thing that actually determines your range is the self-esteem of your target. Make sure you determine during the first hour of any first date a rough idea of what your date's self-esteem percentile score is.

While an individual's self-esteem typically is based on things like money, friends, possessions, and physical appearance, it isn't necessarily based entirely on these things. Sometimes a person comes along who didn't really grow into their teeth until like senior year of high school, so, despite the fact that this person is probably in the top 15% for looks and money, their self-esteem is stuck in the 45th percentile because of the nickname "molar monster". This person is prime real-estate.

Ultimately a really successful couple will have a max self esteem differential of 15%. These are the cases where one person actually has a reason to be down on themselves and the other just had an emotionally scarring experience which results in an 88th percentile person thinking that the 67th percentile person is doing them a favor.

Really, the only way to keep the magic alive is mutual self-doubt. As long as you both think you have to do everything you can to hold onto the other person, you'll do great.

2. Man-points.

Ever play Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Donkey Kong, or Coinworld? Well in these games your only real job is to get in, complete the level, and get out. Dates are kind of like these games. There are lava-pits to avoid, enemies who will compete for your princess, moving platforms, and clouds that disappear like 1/100th of a second after you land on them. While it seems like the best idea to just run, jump, and swing your way through the date there is actually an alternate goal worth pursuing.

In all of these games, including dating, there are tons of instances where you can go out of your way to collect bonus points. Usually in the form of coins or bananas, these don't actually win the game for you, but they sure do help. Getting these bonus points in the game of dating usually involves things like bringing an umbrella, cleaning that spot in your apartment that you're sure she won't see, not mentioning the names of any other girls or even actresses under the age of 40, hiding your Magic cards. Whatever.

See and seize these opportunities.

3. The Fluid Assumption. That sounds almost dirty and almost theological.

Stereotypes are stereotypes because they're true. No, not every girl wants you to open the door for her. There are some who will be offended when you do, but a much higher percentage (varying on your geographic location) will be offended if you don't. Know your crowd. Even if you're on a blind date you have at least a little bit of information. You know the girl that set you up has read Purpose Driven Life 10 times. This means you probably should open doors, pay for things, and look offended when people around you spit, swear, or wear t-shirts with the names of metal bands.

Never act like you don't know what you're doing just because you don't. Make up a general set of likes and dislikes that a date probably has before you even meet them, and then tweak it as you get more information. Your goal is to act decisively in the way that has the highest probability of working out in your favor.

But don't take my word for it.

Well, it's Saturday afternoon here and I've just gone grocery shopping. For my next trick I plan to make a Mexican concoction with the help a newly purchased crock pot. You'll see how that went tomorrow.

Your history lesson for today:

Serendipity

ser·en·dip·i·ty Audio Help /ˌsɛrənˈdɪpɪti/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[ser-uhn-dip-i-tee] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1. an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. 2. good fortune; luck: Ex. the serendipity of getting the first job she applied for. 3. a song by the Barenaked Ladies from the CD "Are Me," which was reworked for the companion CD "Are Men" 4. a failure of movie starring Jon Cusack and either that one girl who married Tom Cruise, or the one from Resident Evil, or was it Underworld...

As much as I hate to double-post I have to tell you all:

How Blogging Nearly Killed Me

1. I was REALLY behind this morning. Probably because I spent an hour and a half trying to format that darn Star Wars post so that it didn't look totally jank.
2. Because I was late getting ready I put on my favorite shirt (I didn't have time to look for anything else) and instead of making myself a wrap for lunch I threw 2 bananas and a cup of yogurt into a bag and headed out.
3. Because I was running late I got to school, threw my lunch bag into my room and headed to the opening presentation from the school's executive director.
4. In throwing the bag down I made the yogurt explode and destroyed one of the bananas.
5. When lunch came around I found out what had happened to my food just in time to have a co-worker come by to let me know that a bunch of people were eating at Chipotle for lunch. Good deal.
6. But, because I was hasty in the morning I didn't transfer my wallet into my jeans and therefore I didn't have money for lunch.
7. I told the co-worker I had to run home first and asked if they were going to the Chipotle downtown. She said she didn't know and that I should call her and find out. She asked if I had her number. I said yes and left.
8. After arriving at home, and (luckily) remembering to grab my wallet, I pulled out my phone to call about Chipotle. Turns out I didn't have her number.
9. I decided to eat lunch at home, listen to yesterday's song of the day a couple more times, and then I headed back to work with plenty of time to spare. I grabbed a Flavor-Ice Popsicle and left.
10. Four blocks away from my house a woman went through a stop sign and crashed directly into my driver's side door, knocking the ice out of the popsicle and make it appear as though there was blood all over my car.


This afternoon I got in a car accident. Don't worry, Gretchen is fine, but she'll need a hell of a face-lift. I'm a little scratched up, but I'm alright too, though if the ol' biddy was driving about 10 mph faster the direct impact into my driver's side door wouldn't have been pretty...

I wasn't at fault for the accident, in any way, and the woman who hit me has insurance so it'll be fine, but nearly getting killed and destroying my car is not my idea of a relaxing lunch break. Also, it was my last day to prep my classroom, so guess who's going to be working all weekend.

The interesting part though is the series of circumstances that led up the accident, and the ten things that I could have done differently to avoid it. Pretty funny if I do say so myself.

Oh well, I guess that's just one more old person who has had their license revoked for hitting me. And if you add that to the two times I've already been hit by a car while on foot in the Springs, I can say with surety that Colorado drivers are worse than Michigan drivers.

Here are the real victims:

At least I know where I can buy the same shirt for $10.

P.S. To add insult to injury (I feel like I use that phrase every other post) my favorite pen exploded in my hand while I was filling out the accident report.

Grand Theft Autumn

"The Russian offensive on Georgia continues, turns out there was another war nested in that treaty." -The Colbert Report

Give yourself a minute on that one.

The Pirate Menace: How Lucas Stole 98% of Star Wars

-or-
How To Make a Multi-billion Dollar Empire off One Original Idea

I'd like to just start off by pointing out that I love Star Wars. It could turn out to be a gigantic re-working of a teletubbies episode and I'd still love it. But with that being said here are 5 sources to which Lucas is indebted and a tribute to his one original idea.

5. Westerns: Not only is Han Solo basically just a John Wayne-esque cowboy, but the Mos Eisley Canteena scenes are pretty much a staight up rip off of a shoot-out at a saloon. Try this on for size:

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Star Wars Episode 4

4. WW2: An evil empire tries to take over the world (galaxy) with an entire race of soldiers designed to be genetically perfect. Am I talked about Hitler's Aryan race or Emporer Palpatine's Clone army? Either way they're called stormtroopers. Whether he's attacking Poland or Endor, it comes down to pretty much the same thing.

Whether it's a B-17 or an X-Wing,

Or a coal-scuttle helmet, or Darth Vader's signature cap,

Or just the way you dress your soldiers,















It's pretty clear that evil minds think alike.

3. The Bible: Virgin conceives a child destined to change the course of history and the fate of the entire universe; turns out that's not an original story either. While Darth Vader was no Messiah, he was that long awaited, much prophesied hero.

2. Wagner: In Wagner's classic opera Der Ring des Nibelungen a good son must fight an evil father, along with his pirate-type friend and his twin sister, in order to ensure that the evil father doesn't destroy the world with his extremely powerful spherical object (Death Star). Read all about it here. And I won't subject you to it now, but if you are ambitious get on YouTube and compare Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyries" to John William's "Star Wars: Main Theme."

1. Ivanhoe: It's a long boring book, but it's where the story of Robin Hood comes from, and since I'm teaching it this year, I figured I'd throw it in. If you've seen the Disney movie, you'll probably get all the parallels anyway.

Ivanhoe/Luke Skywalker - Estranged son rises to prominence again through prowess in battle.
Robin Hood/Han Solo - Rugged outlaw, despite cool, rebelious exterior is always fighting for the good guys.
Friar Tuck/Chewbacca - Big guy, the muscle of the outlaw group. Robin Hood's sidekick and life-long friend (Note: this doesn't apply to the Disney movie, only to the book).
Maid Marion/Leia - Would be, should be royalty, removed from the throne by a cruel despot.
Sheriff of Notingham/Darth Vader - The muscle on the side of evil, who pretty much does all the dirty work.
Emporer/Prince John - The brains of the evil operation. The mover and shaker behind all the empire's work.

I know all stories are based on earlier works, but it's funny to know what we are actually saying when we say we like Star Wars.

But he did come up with one idea on his own.

The Lightsaber: Pretty much Lucas' only original idea. I know, I know, it's just a sword right? Well, why were you watching Star Wars? For the rigorous exploration of the Sci-Fi genre? It's pretty bland as far as Sci-Fi goes. For the Old West feel and the wacky special effects? Well, most of that stuff was claymation, just like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Really, the only reason anyone loved Star Wars was for the lightsaber battles. "Not as clumsy as a blaster; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age."

I've often thought about either becoming filthy rich and funding the research to build a lightsaber or just freezing myself in carbonite until somebody makes one for me. Either way, I don't think I'll live to see it... naturally.

Intergalactic

BoyScout got me an ice cream scoop! Rock on.

Help Me Obi-Wan Kenobi, You're My Only Hope

I'm fairly out of touch. One way that this was recently pointed out to me was when I went up to the ticket booth at the movie theater earlier this week and saw that the new Clone Wars movie was out, and promptly purchased a ticket to a musical.

I neither knew that Clone Wars was out, nor had I kept up on the internet hype enough to even be excited about it. I finally watched a trailer last night, but I do think it's suspicious that I haven't heard anything about the movie at all.

That's definitely one of my standards for culture: if it can't get to me in cultural isolation (no T.V., no radio) then it probably isn't worth finding. So, has anyone actually seen this movie? Is it any good? Give me the skinny and I'll try to find someone nerdy enough to see this one with me.

Progress Report:

We talked last week around this time about what goals we had for the near and far future, and how unless we get some accountability we're never going to achieve them. Well, it's accountability time. So, if you posted last week, let us know how you're doing and if you didn't, just go ahead and post your new goals.

Last week's goals for me were:
Day: Week's worth of lesson plans.
Week: Hang out with someone.
Year: Be able to run 10.5 miles.

How'd I do?
Well, I've probably done that same week's worth of lesson plans about five times since then, but I did have it finished that day. We'll check that off. As I posted on Saturday, I hung out with Jose and did some spelunking.

But, what about my year-long goal? Well, I've made progress. I can now run about 3.5 miles without actually passing out somewhere along the way, but, as exhausted as I've been from working in my classroom for 9 hours a day, I've only been running every other day. I'd like to kick this up a notch, but I'm waiting for my body to get used to it. I'll let you know.

New Goals:

The general idea of this isn't that we have one sweet day or week where we get a lot done, but that we are making continual progress in measurable ways. So, here are my new goals for the day, week, and month.

Day: Nail down my finances well enough so that I can make a list of home improvements I want to make and the order in which I can do them.
Week: Cook. I need to increase my culinary repitoire, so that means cooking this weekend. Possibly cooking bread...
Month: I would like to say I just want to make it through the next month. Kids come back to school on Monday and surviving would be nice, but that's a little weak as far as goals go. What I'd really like for the next month is to be able to keep my content on this blog up to quality, to stay in contact with all you guys, to start planning the high school reunion for the class of 04 (yup, it's that time already) and to find Brad Hall (thanks Big E for the lead on that one).

So, if you posted your goals last week, give us an update and your new goals for the day, the week, and the next 30 days. If you haven't posted before, feel free to jump on in.

Also I'm going to need help with my goals so:
1) If you know a Mexican dish that would be a convenient party-type dish, give me the recipe.
2) If you are a member of the Carson City-Crystal graduating class of 2004, then e-mail me your mailing address and any information you might have about people who are going to be harder to find, like Brad Hall (though I know he didn't graduate with us).

Thanks, and thanks.

And now, your moment of zen:

I Want to Break Free

Last night I had a dream that I was hanging out with Pope Benedict. We walked all the way from the new cathedral he had just built to my grandma's house. On the way he expelled a demon from a homeless person and turned a rotting trout into rice crispy treats when we were hungry. Not even kidding.

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotions

So, I was debating with myself on whether I should be blunt and just name this post "Mama Mia!" (it is a song after all) or if I should be a bit more subtle and make the song of the day "Closet" by Pete Yorn, but I decided on the middle road and gave it the title of a Queen song.

And, not that you'll listen to me, but this is another post where you should actually listen to the song of the day on the sidebar playlist.

I've decided I don't want to make it a movie review, but I do want to just come out (every pun intended) and say that I watched Mama Mia! the other night. Not only was it the best movie I've seen in a long time, but I actually might go out of my way to see it again, which is nearly unprecedented (the only movie I've seen in theaters more than once is Spiderman 2).

Mama Mia! Was weird for a number of reasons. First of all the movie (I know it was a Broadway musical first, but I haven't seen the musical so I won't mention it) was written around the soundtrack instead of the other way around. Secondly, I went in with very little information. I don't have a TV so I hadn't seen a preview of the movie, and so I only knew two facts going in: 1. On the movie poster is a girl in a wedding dress. 2. They are going to have to work about 15 ABBA songs into this movie.

So, I was surprised to find that not only was this movie not set in San Fransico or New York in the early 70's, but, for some inexplicable reason, they thought ABBA would be more appropriate to modern day Greece.

I won't give away any plot details, but I will tell you that since it's a musical there is very little plot, most of which is driven by the strangest conflict I'm ever seen in film: Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth competing over the same woman. Never since Bridget Jone's Diary (wow, I'm even making myself a little suspicious of my orientation) has Colin Firth really come up against a worthy opponent (I really don't know if I could do three posts in a row without alluding to Hugh Grant).

Really though, nothing about this movie would even be tolerable if you didn't like ABBA. And so, if I want to recommend it to people I have to begin by asking if they like ABBA, and if not I first have to talk them into listening to about 500 hours of disco.

On a manlier note: I put together a bookshelf last night. I'm pretty sure all my floors are crooked.

Also, in my never-ending quest to enrich everyone's life who reads this blog, I give you xkcd.com:


It's kind of what we're all waiting for: a person born in the 80's who grew up in the 90's writing jokes that are funniest to our generation. I'm excited for when these people kick out the baby boomers and finally take over T.V.

These comics come out 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, which makes them about 3/7ths as cool as my blog, and since they're only spot-on about 70% of the time that puts them down to being about 9/25ths as cool as my blog. The other 30% of the time they are about complicated principles of physics, math, or Linux. But, check 'em out.

That was a little disjointed, but I'm fairly sleep-deprived.

Have a good one. Tomorrow is goal-day. Time to update everyone on how I did with my goals last week and share some new ones for the week to come.

P.S. And reminiscent of last week's post on Will Smith I've got a couple songs for you to compare. Try to decide if Reba McEntire subliminally ripped ABBA off (especially compare the note sequence of "Waterloo, couldn't escape if I wanted to, Waterloo, finally facing my Waterloo," with "Little Rock, think I'm gonna have to slip you off, take a chance tonight and untie the knot, there's more to life than what I've got"). Either way trying to find stuff like this is like trying to decide if thigh-high, flame pattern-boots go with David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust collar: No one should really be doing it.

Career Day

Part of growing up is finding out that most things are trite because they are true. The number one stereotypical "to-do" item on any T.V. show or movie is "pick up the dry-cleaning," and after dropping off my dry-cleaning for the first time ever I totally forgot about it. So, last night I picked up two pairs of pants that had been deserted there for going on two weeks.

T-minus 6 Days 'Til Kids...

This is gonna be quick because I don't have much time, but I wanted to update everyone on how the first week of training at Cheyenne Mountain went.

First of all, they have a sweet alternative to social security called PERA. That's right, I won't be paying ANY social security this year. Pretty nice huh? Instead I contribute to a PERA retirement fund that pays me when I turn 65 regardless of (though in proportion to) how long I've worked, and would pay me sooner if I were to keep teaching in Colorado.

Also, instead of paying a couple hundred dollars a month for health insurance I'll be getting a health savings account through the school. That means that I pay only $30 a month and the school puts $100 (tax free) into my a savings account in my name. As long as I use this account for health-related items they too are tax free. But, if I choose to use the money on something else, I can. All that happens is the money that I want to use gets double-taxed (once for being income and then again for sales tax). So, provided that you're young and haven't spent more than 10 years in the Social Security system all this a pretty good deal.

Now for the fun part: some pictures of my classroom.

Here are my classroom rules. They are all Shakespeare quotations. Just click on the image to make it big enough to read.

And here's a shot of the front of my classroom with my sweet bookshelf border (with about 100 actual titles of great books).
And finally my time-line. At this point it only had Emily Dickinson on it and no actual numbers, but it's progressing.
Those pictures are from last Thursday so I've made some progress since then, I'll be sure to post some more before kids arrive next Monday.

Group Participation: I'm planning on doing a famous quotation every day as a class warm-up, so if you've got a favorite you should post it as a comment. I can use all the help I can get.

Breakfast...

The following post is not for women, children, or anyone else who either prides themselves on their domestic abilities or will be eating in the next hour.


Top Five "Bachelor's Kitchen" Moments of Summer '08

There's absolutely no way that I've really remember the best of the worst of our eating habits this summer, but here's a wrap-up to keep Leroy and Brad reflecting on just how good they have it back in the civilized world.

5. The Spaghetti Quick Fix: This is probably a pretty good trick, though I never intended it to be one. After making a big batch of chicken alfredo for Brad and I there was a pretty sizable surplus of noodles. Wanting to eat the food while it was hot, I left the noodles in the pan and headed to the party porch (which really deserves it's own post). Approximately two days later I rediscovered the pan of noodles (about 1/8 full), and when I stabbed the starchy mass it came out all at once leaving the pan totally clean. Now, this probably was just because it was teflon coated pan, but I like to think that I did something clever to save myself some clean-up.

4. Magic Bread: This bread (pictured below) was purchased for Jose's birthday dinner. About half of the loaf was used for garlic bread and the other half was, for some unknown reason, put into a Wal-Mart bag and thrown into the refrigerator. That would have been about a month and a half ago. After re-discovering this bread on Friday I ate it for dinner last night. It wasn't even hard. Turns out that bread keeps for an extra month or so in the fridge. But, then again, if you aren't a bachelor, your fridge is probably already full.

3. Ice Cream Cubes: Since I didn't have an ice cream scoop, when it came time for Brad and I to finish off the cookies and cream we had gotten earlier for a desert I had made (which consisted of a cake-pan of freshly baked cookie dough topped with ice cream), there was only one way to dish it out. We simply ripped the cardboard box off of the ice cream, dumped it in a bowl and used a steak knife to cut it into two equal halves. No waiting, no unnecessary melting, no need for proper utensils.

2. Bradcakes: For the first couple weeks (read: months) of summer we didn't have a frying pan, but we did have an abundance of pancake mix. One day Brad broke down and decided he would use whatever he could find and, by Hercules, he was going to make himself some pancakes. What you see below isn't some intermediate stage. It's actually the finished product. A pile of syrup-covered mush we like to call Bradcakes.

1. The Banana Solution: Okay, so it's kind of a lame number one, but "The Banana Solution" is really just a hypothetical event. Let me set this one up for you. The Bachelor, as we all know, is by far the most versatile homemaker because he is by far the most flexible. No matter what the problem is he can solve it with only two sets of salad forks, a bread-knife, and a family sized bottle of seasoned salt. The Bachelor also has only one motivation in his domestic endeavors beyond basic survival and that is being able to disguise the squalor he lives just quickly enough to deceive any member of the fairer sex that might accidentally stumble into his hovel. So, without further ado, "The Banana Solution": the other day Brad, Jose, and Leroy were talking and I, walking past the bathroom, spoke my immediate thought "something smells...unfortunate" and instantly my mind raced to figure out what I would do to cover up such an offensive odor if at that very moment an actual girl were to walk into my apartment. I inventoried my house: 4 computers, 268 books, 38 pairs of unwashed socks, an entire pack of freezer pops, left over garlic bread and... of course! I would flush a partially rotten banana down the toilet. Problem solved.



My food situation greatly improved on Friday when Brad and Leroy left a hearty stash of tasty snacks for me as a thank-you for letting them entertain me this summer. Included in their gift were: Wheat Thins, Oreos, milk, Gatorade Rain (otherwise known as water 2.0, the only real modification God has made to our planet's elemental make-up since Genesis), ground cinnamon and hazelnut coffee.



I've come to the conclusion that there must be something unnatural in Wheat Thins. There is no way that a un-enhanced "whole wheat snack" could so cripple my resolve that I would pass up Cool Ranch Doritos, Oreos, and chilled Peanut Butter M&M's and eat an entire box of Wheat Thins before Brad's sleeping-couch was even cold.


So, these helpful anecdotes should get you all set for first and second breakfast, brunch, lunch, elevensies, supper, and dinner.

And remember, if the women don't find you hansome, they'll at least find you handy.

- Podo Danderfluff of Willowbottom