Breakfast...

The following post is not for women, children, or anyone else who either prides themselves on their domestic abilities or will be eating in the next hour.


Top Five "Bachelor's Kitchen" Moments of Summer '08

There's absolutely no way that I've really remember the best of the worst of our eating habits this summer, but here's a wrap-up to keep Leroy and Brad reflecting on just how good they have it back in the civilized world.

5. The Spaghetti Quick Fix: This is probably a pretty good trick, though I never intended it to be one. After making a big batch of chicken alfredo for Brad and I there was a pretty sizable surplus of noodles. Wanting to eat the food while it was hot, I left the noodles in the pan and headed to the party porch (which really deserves it's own post). Approximately two days later I rediscovered the pan of noodles (about 1/8 full), and when I stabbed the starchy mass it came out all at once leaving the pan totally clean. Now, this probably was just because it was teflon coated pan, but I like to think that I did something clever to save myself some clean-up.

4. Magic Bread: This bread (pictured below) was purchased for Jose's birthday dinner. About half of the loaf was used for garlic bread and the other half was, for some unknown reason, put into a Wal-Mart bag and thrown into the refrigerator. That would have been about a month and a half ago. After re-discovering this bread on Friday I ate it for dinner last night. It wasn't even hard. Turns out that bread keeps for an extra month or so in the fridge. But, then again, if you aren't a bachelor, your fridge is probably already full.

3. Ice Cream Cubes: Since I didn't have an ice cream scoop, when it came time for Brad and I to finish off the cookies and cream we had gotten earlier for a desert I had made (which consisted of a cake-pan of freshly baked cookie dough topped with ice cream), there was only one way to dish it out. We simply ripped the cardboard box off of the ice cream, dumped it in a bowl and used a steak knife to cut it into two equal halves. No waiting, no unnecessary melting, no need for proper utensils.

2. Bradcakes: For the first couple weeks (read: months) of summer we didn't have a frying pan, but we did have an abundance of pancake mix. One day Brad broke down and decided he would use whatever he could find and, by Hercules, he was going to make himself some pancakes. What you see below isn't some intermediate stage. It's actually the finished product. A pile of syrup-covered mush we like to call Bradcakes.

1. The Banana Solution: Okay, so it's kind of a lame number one, but "The Banana Solution" is really just a hypothetical event. Let me set this one up for you. The Bachelor, as we all know, is by far the most versatile homemaker because he is by far the most flexible. No matter what the problem is he can solve it with only two sets of salad forks, a bread-knife, and a family sized bottle of seasoned salt. The Bachelor also has only one motivation in his domestic endeavors beyond basic survival and that is being able to disguise the squalor he lives just quickly enough to deceive any member of the fairer sex that might accidentally stumble into his hovel. So, without further ado, "The Banana Solution": the other day Brad, Jose, and Leroy were talking and I, walking past the bathroom, spoke my immediate thought "something smells...unfortunate" and instantly my mind raced to figure out what I would do to cover up such an offensive odor if at that very moment an actual girl were to walk into my apartment. I inventoried my house: 4 computers, 268 books, 38 pairs of unwashed socks, an entire pack of freezer pops, left over garlic bread and... of course! I would flush a partially rotten banana down the toilet. Problem solved.



My food situation greatly improved on Friday when Brad and Leroy left a hearty stash of tasty snacks for me as a thank-you for letting them entertain me this summer. Included in their gift were: Wheat Thins, Oreos, milk, Gatorade Rain (otherwise known as water 2.0, the only real modification God has made to our planet's elemental make-up since Genesis), ground cinnamon and hazelnut coffee.



I've come to the conclusion that there must be something unnatural in Wheat Thins. There is no way that a un-enhanced "whole wheat snack" could so cripple my resolve that I would pass up Cool Ranch Doritos, Oreos, and chilled Peanut Butter M&M's and eat an entire box of Wheat Thins before Brad's sleeping-couch was even cold.


So, these helpful anecdotes should get you all set for first and second breakfast, brunch, lunch, elevensies, supper, and dinner.

And remember, if the women don't find you hansome, they'll at least find you handy.

- Podo Danderfluff of Willowbottom

Good Riddance

Today is Brad and Leroy's last day in the Springs. As soon as Leroy gets out of work they'll be loading up his car and drag-racing back across the country to the beauty and simplicity of "the wolverine state". Lucky punks.

It's not what you do... it's who you beat.

I've always said that it's not what you do, it's who you beat. The Olympics are the perfect proof of this. Why would it ever matter that some guy could run real fast, stab a stick into the ground, and use it to throw himself over a tree-branch? Why would it ever matter that someone would string up a couple of rings from the ceiling and twirl around on them? No one would ever watch these things... that is unless it was to see someone from our country beat someone from Russia at doing these things. Anyone ever watched curling?

Colorado has been hard on us this summer. Here are some play-by-plays of our toughest match-ups and a summary of how we fared against each opponent.

Jenn from Leasing

The Opponent: A 98lb blonde leasing agent. Our first and greatest enemy. Not only was she unhelpful and rude during our housing search, but she made us sleep on the ground in a state park without a tent for four days after our application was approved so that the apartment could be cleaned. When we arrived in CSprings after our involuntary camping trip, which was terminated early due to a snow-storm, we showed up at Sunflower Inc. to sign our lease only to find that Jenn had forgotten that we made an appointment with her and had taken the day off. When we moved in we discovered that not only had the apartment not been cleaned, but we had to move the refrigerator and stove from the center of the kitchen to cover the filth that she was supposed to take care of while we were cooking Ramen over a fire in bear country.
The Battle: After vowing revenge we only actually saw Jenn once this summer, in a bar downtown. But, because the alcohol was so watered down (thanks again CSprings) Brad never got up the courage to go hit on her (the plan was that he would date her for awhile, marry her, divorce her and ruin her life).
The Winner: Jenn. Not only is my apartment still unfurnished and slowly falling apart but my utility bill quadrupled between the month of June and the month of July.

Downtown

The Opponent: We decided on the apartment we have because we wanted to be near downtown. It appeared to be exciting and friendly, filled with quaint little shops, bookstores and restaurants. Turns out the place was entirely out of our league. Not only was everything expensive but the people were rude and sometimes naked (one night we were passed by three, seemingly unrelated bike-streakers). The only place that was really on our side was The Corner Cafe which, as I've said before, had the best food and the best people the Springs has to offer.
The Battle: We did a lap around downtown almost every night. Never once were we ever engaged in conversation by someone who wasn't asking for change or telling us to vote for Obama.
The Winner: Brad and Zach. We learned our lesson about downtown early on, we defeated Panino's in open combat, we got in good with Uncle Wilbur and the rest of the locals, and never gave CSprings an inch.

Dumpster Divers

The Opponent: The homeless of CSprings come in many varieties. There's the faker, who you see getting out his car before he goes to his begging corner. The backpacker, who seems to be voluntarily homeless and is just passing through. The oldtimer, who is pretty well set up with either a grocery cart or several double-reinforced plastic bags. The prophet, who gives sermons in the park or is just generally always mumbling to himself. And finally, the dumpster diver.
The Battle: We never did give in and empty our pockets, but I did give a guy a piece of pie once.
The Winner: Dumpster Divers. We thought we had the upper hand until a dumpster diver (after asking if he could have my bike a couple days before) cut the chain and stole it. He'll make about $7 selling it as scrap metal. I hope those bolt-cutters cost him....

Women of The Springs

The Opponent: Armpit hair
The Winner: No one wins with armpit hair. Draw.

Employment and Cost of Living

The Opponents: The Corner Cafe, The Cleaning Authority, and College Pro Painters.
The Battle: The Corner Cafe treated me very well. It fed me, clothed me, and loved me as its own. But at $300 per paycheck my earnings were only about 75% of my expenses every month, which was okay. I knew what I was in for. Leroy had a pretty good set up with the Vinyards and The Cleaning Authority. He worked for the family business (maybe not as many hours as he wanted), lived in the family's bunkhouse (read: shack) and, on top of that, they fed him. The downside was that The Leroy Shack was about 100 miles from anywhere and between gas costs, flying home for a wedding, and eating out just enough to break the monotony, he'll probably break even. Brad, however, got the shirt ripped off his back by College Pro. They took a couple weeks to hire him, paid him unfairly, forced him to wear white pants (a fashion sin), and ultimately laid him off with three weeks left in his summer. Despite living as frugal of a life as possible: surviving on only hotdogs and dreams, while relying on hulu.com for entertainment, Brad won't only be down the cash that he lost not working all that time, but also his dignity.
The Winner: Poverty.

As we sit here, sipping our victory Jones Soda (blue bubble gum if you must know) that we've been saving from the travel package Mike and Maggie's put together for our trip out here, we realize that we were saving them all summer for a time when we would have something to celebrate. I guess Brad heading back to the land of trees and freshwater is as good of an occasion as any.

You win Colorado. But know that no one would care about your hollow victory if you weren't beating Michigan's finest.

It's been a long summer. A long, sweaty, sticky summer

P.S. Thanks for the cookie Jose.