Say My Name

Today's song of the day can be found here:
http://www.myspace.com/superchunkmusic
It's a remake of Destiny's Child's "Say My Name." Just open the myspace page and either click on the song or hit the "next" button. A serious must-listen. I love a remake that takes the hook, the chord progression, or the back-beat that made a hit what it was and brings the rest of the song in line with that core of pop-goodness.

And sweet mammy-jammies, hot off the presses: http://www.myspace.com/fun

Wow. My world just got rocked- though I forgot my headphones at home so I can't even listen to their demo song. For those of you who don't recognize the momentous occasion that is the above myspace page, it's a new band featuring Nate from The Format and Andrew from Anathallo. Since The Format broke up this year, God rest their souls, I've been stuck in the first stage of grieving: denial. But, with this new project it looks as though some of the old magic might be back, and yes, they're playing at The Intersection.

Looks like they've got a show in Denver too. Let me know if you're in the area and you'd like to join me for a concert.

Alright, back to business:

The Pronoun Game

We all know that girls are the most conniving, unscrupulous, despicable creatures that have ever walked the earth. The Huns, they were bad. Pol Pot, he wasn't the nicest guy. But girls bring a whole new meaning to the words "guerrilla warfare".

While no known individual has compiled an exhaustive catalog of their crimes against humanity, there are brave individuals in isolated pockets who still writhe valiantly within the ever-manicured grip of feminine tyranny.

Today I'd like to talk about a reconnaissance technique that may one day save your life: a foolproof way to detect and defuse the Geneva-prohibited weapon known only as The Pronoun Game.

1. Notice basic patterns of female speech. Under the overwhelming landslide of shoe-talk, hair-talk, Food Network-talk and scattershot gossip often lies a nugget of information. Obviously, most of the time they're just filling the lines with meaningless babble, but every now and again there are coded battleplans embedded in that hurricane of meaningless dribble.

2. Identify keywords. As long as you're dealing with proper nouns you know the pronoun game isn't being played. Just let the Orlando Bloom, Jennifer Aniston, Rachael Ray, etc. slip by unnoticed, but when she stops name-dropping, perk up your ears. Look for phrases like "a friend from work," "a bunch of people," "a study group," and "several of us."

3. Return fire. Anytime a girl speaks indefinitely about the number of people involved in an event or about the gender of her "friend," "coworker," or "classmate," you can be sure that the number she means is two and the gender is male. So, when you reach this juncture of the conversation, say that you had "made plans with a friend" too, and see how she reacts, or just simply ask for the specifics and see how long she can dance around the facts.

4. Everyone plays. There are no exceptions. No matter the girl, no matter the time or circumstances, they are all experts at The Pronoun Game. Why do you think George Orwell wrote his anti-fascist novel Nineteen Eighty-Four? Where did you think he got the idea of Newspeak?

Knowledge is power. Fight the good fight.

Fun Fact: I've tagged more than one post with the label "sexism."

Take A Chance on Me

Friday night is date night, and if you're anything like me you spend it writing blog posts.

Unbelievable Dating Advice from the Unassuming Bachelor

-or-
I Spent All Night in a Ramen-Induced Coma and Slept Through Today's Movie Review

I've got a lot to say about things. Lots of things. Important things. But mostly I confine myself to a few platforms: the relative nutritional virtue of Wheat Thins, the impact of Science Fiction as a literary genre, and obscure cultural references in Barenaked Ladies songs.

What I don't know anything about thought is dating. In the divinely inspired works of the Old Testament book of Proverbs:

There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Four which I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a serpent on a rock,
The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,
And the way of a man with a maid.

- Proverbs 30:18-19

So, like most of the time, I'm going to be speaking to you about a subject on which I have no authority, and probably (statistically) the worst record of anyone I know (do the math). Without further ado three helpful tips on dating, the first installment of an ongoing series on the art of love.

Concepts to Know:

1. Net self-esteem differential.

The cruelest reality of the dating world is this: we all have our place. You have a certain range of eligible members of the opposite gender outside of which you will never successfully date. Now, contrary to popular belief this "target range" isn't determined by the amount of money you make, your social circle, how sweet of a car you drive, or even your looks. No, while all that stuff does matter, and it matters much more than most other factors, it doesn't actually determine your range.

The only thing that actually determines your range is the self-esteem of your target. Make sure you determine during the first hour of any first date a rough idea of what your date's self-esteem percentile score is.

While an individual's self-esteem typically is based on things like money, friends, possessions, and physical appearance, it isn't necessarily based entirely on these things. Sometimes a person comes along who didn't really grow into their teeth until like senior year of high school, so, despite the fact that this person is probably in the top 15% for looks and money, their self-esteem is stuck in the 45th percentile because of the nickname "molar monster". This person is prime real-estate.

Ultimately a really successful couple will have a max self esteem differential of 15%. These are the cases where one person actually has a reason to be down on themselves and the other just had an emotionally scarring experience which results in an 88th percentile person thinking that the 67th percentile person is doing them a favor.

Really, the only way to keep the magic alive is mutual self-doubt. As long as you both think you have to do everything you can to hold onto the other person, you'll do great.

2. Man-points.

Ever play Mario, Sonic the Hedgehog, Donkey Kong, or Coinworld? Well in these games your only real job is to get in, complete the level, and get out. Dates are kind of like these games. There are lava-pits to avoid, enemies who will compete for your princess, moving platforms, and clouds that disappear like 1/100th of a second after you land on them. While it seems like the best idea to just run, jump, and swing your way through the date there is actually an alternate goal worth pursuing.

In all of these games, including dating, there are tons of instances where you can go out of your way to collect bonus points. Usually in the form of coins or bananas, these don't actually win the game for you, but they sure do help. Getting these bonus points in the game of dating usually involves things like bringing an umbrella, cleaning that spot in your apartment that you're sure she won't see, not mentioning the names of any other girls or even actresses under the age of 40, hiding your Magic cards. Whatever.

See and seize these opportunities.

3. The Fluid Assumption. That sounds almost dirty and almost theological.

Stereotypes are stereotypes because they're true. No, not every girl wants you to open the door for her. There are some who will be offended when you do, but a much higher percentage (varying on your geographic location) will be offended if you don't. Know your crowd. Even if you're on a blind date you have at least a little bit of information. You know the girl that set you up has read Purpose Driven Life 10 times. This means you probably should open doors, pay for things, and look offended when people around you spit, swear, or wear t-shirts with the names of metal bands.

Never act like you don't know what you're doing just because you don't. Make up a general set of likes and dislikes that a date probably has before you even meet them, and then tweak it as you get more information. Your goal is to act decisively in the way that has the highest probability of working out in your favor.

But don't take my word for it.

Well, it's Saturday afternoon here and I've just gone grocery shopping. For my next trick I plan to make a Mexican concoction with the help a newly purchased crock pot. You'll see how that went tomorrow.

Your history lesson for today: