Breakfast...

The following post is not for women, children, or anyone else who either prides themselves on their domestic abilities or will be eating in the next hour.


Top Five "Bachelor's Kitchen" Moments of Summer '08

There's absolutely no way that I've really remember the best of the worst of our eating habits this summer, but here's a wrap-up to keep Leroy and Brad reflecting on just how good they have it back in the civilized world.

5. The Spaghetti Quick Fix: This is probably a pretty good trick, though I never intended it to be one. After making a big batch of chicken alfredo for Brad and I there was a pretty sizable surplus of noodles. Wanting to eat the food while it was hot, I left the noodles in the pan and headed to the party porch (which really deserves it's own post). Approximately two days later I rediscovered the pan of noodles (about 1/8 full), and when I stabbed the starchy mass it came out all at once leaving the pan totally clean. Now, this probably was just because it was teflon coated pan, but I like to think that I did something clever to save myself some clean-up.

4. Magic Bread: This bread (pictured below) was purchased for Jose's birthday dinner. About half of the loaf was used for garlic bread and the other half was, for some unknown reason, put into a Wal-Mart bag and thrown into the refrigerator. That would have been about a month and a half ago. After re-discovering this bread on Friday I ate it for dinner last night. It wasn't even hard. Turns out that bread keeps for an extra month or so in the fridge. But, then again, if you aren't a bachelor, your fridge is probably already full.

3. Ice Cream Cubes: Since I didn't have an ice cream scoop, when it came time for Brad and I to finish off the cookies and cream we had gotten earlier for a desert I had made (which consisted of a cake-pan of freshly baked cookie dough topped with ice cream), there was only one way to dish it out. We simply ripped the cardboard box off of the ice cream, dumped it in a bowl and used a steak knife to cut it into two equal halves. No waiting, no unnecessary melting, no need for proper utensils.

2. Bradcakes: For the first couple weeks (read: months) of summer we didn't have a frying pan, but we did have an abundance of pancake mix. One day Brad broke down and decided he would use whatever he could find and, by Hercules, he was going to make himself some pancakes. What you see below isn't some intermediate stage. It's actually the finished product. A pile of syrup-covered mush we like to call Bradcakes.

1. The Banana Solution: Okay, so it's kind of a lame number one, but "The Banana Solution" is really just a hypothetical event. Let me set this one up for you. The Bachelor, as we all know, is by far the most versatile homemaker because he is by far the most flexible. No matter what the problem is he can solve it with only two sets of salad forks, a bread-knife, and a family sized bottle of seasoned salt. The Bachelor also has only one motivation in his domestic endeavors beyond basic survival and that is being able to disguise the squalor he lives just quickly enough to deceive any member of the fairer sex that might accidentally stumble into his hovel. So, without further ado, "The Banana Solution": the other day Brad, Jose, and Leroy were talking and I, walking past the bathroom, spoke my immediate thought "something smells...unfortunate" and instantly my mind raced to figure out what I would do to cover up such an offensive odor if at that very moment an actual girl were to walk into my apartment. I inventoried my house: 4 computers, 268 books, 38 pairs of unwashed socks, an entire pack of freezer pops, left over garlic bread and... of course! I would flush a partially rotten banana down the toilet. Problem solved.



My food situation greatly improved on Friday when Brad and Leroy left a hearty stash of tasty snacks for me as a thank-you for letting them entertain me this summer. Included in their gift were: Wheat Thins, Oreos, milk, Gatorade Rain (otherwise known as water 2.0, the only real modification God has made to our planet's elemental make-up since Genesis), ground cinnamon and hazelnut coffee.



I've come to the conclusion that there must be something unnatural in Wheat Thins. There is no way that a un-enhanced "whole wheat snack" could so cripple my resolve that I would pass up Cool Ranch Doritos, Oreos, and chilled Peanut Butter M&M's and eat an entire box of Wheat Thins before Brad's sleeping-couch was even cold.


So, these helpful anecdotes should get you all set for first and second breakfast, brunch, lunch, elevensies, supper, and dinner.

And remember, if the women don't find you hansome, they'll at least find you handy.

- Podo Danderfluff of Willowbottom