August Runs: Unless "August Rush" refers to some horrible gastric infection which results in chronic diarrhea, I don't get it.
I already mentioned August Rush once this week but since I've had to go another week without seeing Mama Mia, you're going to have to get the full lecture.
Movie Review #4
AUGUST RUSH - Dianna's Pick (Sorry that I have to pin this one on somebody, but it might as well be Brad's Colombian Princess).
We knew going in that August Rush was supposed to be "a little girly," but when has that ever deterred my taste in movies, music or fashion? Once the movie started though we realized that by "girly" they didn't mean it had Hugh Grant in it or that The Cranberries and Enya supplied over half the soundtrack. What they actually meant by "girly" was that the people who wrote this movie have a much lower IQ than the rest of society.
August Rush is about a boy who can "hear the music" and despite growing up at an orphanage in New York he can "hear" his parents, who since they were so cruelly ripped away from each other by Keri Russell's dad have given up music and moved to San Fransico and Chicago. Not only was the writing atrocious (they actually used the line "run August, run"), but the plot was either under-developed or overdone, like when a baby spends 11 months in the womb. Not only did characters enter and leave the plot without any real explanation (the kid's best friend at the orphanage, the bully, the little black girl, the caseworker), but in the time it took August to be born without his mother's knowledge and age 11 years his parents didn't age a bit. They didn't even change their clothes or get a haircut. Other especially believable moments include: Robinwilliamsinacowboyhat attacking a New York City police officer in the presence of about a dozen other cops and living to tell about it, and a truck driver picking up August outside of NYC, driving him to Times Square, and then leaving him there alone so that the caseworker could pick him up in a couple hours.
The only four characters that made it through the whole movie without mysteriously disappearing were the kid, his parents, and RobinWilliamsinacowboyhat. Now, in your average movie, novel, short story, children's TV show, Johnny Cash song, etc. there is an element called "rising and falling action". This is generally the reason you watch, read, listen to, any given piece of media - it's the plot, the character arc, the heroic rise, the tragic fall, the deus ex machina. In August Rush, however, the plot looked something like this:
As you can see there is no part of this graph that looks at all interesting. The yellow line, representing August, pretty much just slowly goes up as he goes from knowing for sure that his parents love him to leaving the orphanage, becoming a musician, attending Julliard, and finally performing his rhapsody in Central Park. His parents, who haven't aged, changed occupation, or thought about anything but each other in 11 years, yet seem not to have discovered the internet, phonebook or any other way they might contact each other, both, through a series of mundane events, go to New York and find each other and their long lost son. But, that's all to be expected of a Disneyesque movie.RobinWilliamsinacowboyhat, however, had potential. He was there on the night when August's parents met and made their musical little baby (probably why Disney didn't pick this one up), and he was there for August's rise to prominence in the New York City music scene. Something should have happened there. Maybe he was a real jerk because he too was orphaned and August could have showed him hope and taught him something wonderful about the nature of music. Maybe August's playing could have made RobinWilliamsinacowboyhat examine himself and learn to love music the way he did when he was playing his harmonica on that streetcorner 11 years ago. But, RobinWilliamsinacowboyhat had pretty much just as flat of a story arc as anyone else. One time he got mad and one time he was real nice, but that's about it.
Overall the music was pretty good (except the time he played the organ, that was a waste), but there wasn't a single minute of the movie where I didn't want to just stop watching. August earns, and I truly mean earns, a D+ from me.
Wow, that was harsh...
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5 comments:
Harsh?? I'd say you let "August Rush" off WAY too easy. GREAT graph, by the way. Okay, Zach just found the movie guilty of being "bad" in a fair trial, now I'm going to drag it out of the courtroom and hang it. Here goes!
Not only do characters mysteriously disappear, but so do entire settings. Like the "Black Church" part. Okay... I've got NOTHING against black people. Anyone who has known me long enough knows that I was actually born black, and remained that way until around age 5, when my skin slowly began fading.
But I'm 99.625% sure that "Black Churches" don't exist. You know what I'm talking about... the kind where the pastor is really young, and young people are genuinely excited about singing in a choir and do so throughout the whole service, and a whole bunch of plump ladies (no men over the age of 30, obviously) are genuinely excited about hearing them sing, and they wave their hands into the air.
Since these places simply DON'T exist (movies are made older jewish men, or so TV told me, and since older jewish men have never been in a black church, how could they know), I immediately discredit ANY movie that features one of these.
Again, this has nothing to do with the fact that the people are black. If there was a white church like that, I'd be punching a hole in their top-hat too, but white churches are always portrayed... actually, I've never seen a movie with a white-people church that WASN'T catholic and the two characters popped in to do business while some flock of young catholic girls sing chants in the background (*note that young catholic girls who attend church also do not exist).
Not only does August Rush contain a "black church", but it contains several other "push button parts".
What's a push button part?
You know on radio stations, where they have their little "push buttons" that say things like "Oldies 107.3" or "G... [music] R.... [music] D..." or "97.5... in the morning... on the RADIO!!!!"
You know, the pre-recorded phrases done in voices that you are pretty sure nobody is born with?
Those are push button parts.
In movies, these are parts that you can see coming from a mile away- parts that require ZERO thought, because they have been used SO many times.
"Black Church" is a push button part.
So is "boy sitting at piano who just starts playing even though nobody is looking and he's really good, but you can kind of believe it because I mean some people are just really good at stuff naturally, you've never met anyone like that but then again you don't know any cool people".
And so is "while he's playing someone watches from a hidden spot but the boy never finds out, even though he's playing a freaking instrument designed to fill an auditorium with sound so how could other people NOT hear?".
So is "older cool person playing guitar in a park, and the little kid joins in with his song and for 2 minutes they forget about everything else in the world because their song is so cool".
But above all, the MOST push button part of all is "two people walk out of a crowd and look over at each other the same time."
A movie can have MAX 2 push button parts before it's considered walmart $5 bin spam.
But it can't have ANY to be considered good.
"August Rush" generally is just ONE big push button part.
I honestly don't know what kinds of people like movies like this, but DO know that they are no friends of mine.
I was forced to watch this movie on a plane back from LA, and even though I had no headphones and didn't even hear a single word, I can tell you every word of the plot.
Oh yeah, plus the name "August Rush". I can just see the 40 year old woman who married a construction worker and never has been "romanced" wanting to see this masturbatory aid.
The kid's name is August Rush. That's so gay I'm not even going to comment on it.
Zach! A few things you should know: The 11-month baby analogy is sick and sad but (unfortunately) perfect, so kudos for risking and winning big with language there. Also, I remember our first collective use of "it's not what you know, it's who you beat," sometime after class, in G205, but before Talbot came in after a run and humped Strag, now happily married (and you should call that guy if you want some good news), and I think the illustrious phrase was prompted by Victor coming in really pumped up about Tech-Mo. And would you not call your summer "sweecy"? I'm bummed for you that your bros left, but I'm glad that Jones Soda christened your last days of summer and their long road home, and speaking of christening, peace be with you and good morning.
Ha! Thanks Pat and Mike.
Pat - Feel blessed that you didn't suffer through the two hours of dialogue that went along with those worn-out images.
Mike - I have talked to Strag. Great news!!! Kinda makes you jealous doesn't it? Perhaps I'll move to Toledo and latch onto my new favorite married couple...
Just kidding. You guys are still number one... but the gap is closing and there's only one way to put that distance back in between you and the pack.
Oh my goodness Zach, I laughed so hard reading that. I watched August Rush on a plane from San Francisco to Chicago. I felt like I had just lost 2 hours of my life, in spite of the fact that I had the middle seat of the middle row on a four hour plane ride. If hindset, if I had had the choice of just staring off into space or watching August Rush, I would most definitely choose the former.
I really feel bad for the people who wasted two years of their lives making that worthless movie. The two hours I spent watching it doesn't seem so bad when I compare it to that.
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