Brand New Colony

I love Michigan. Every blessed-by-God's-own-hand square inch of it.

So far I've:

- Gotten into Det. Met. two and a half hours late (thanks to Den. Int.)

- Thankfully run into Leroy (whose cellphone had died) within my first 10 minutes out of the terminal

- Taken the wonderfully treacherous roads up to Hubbardston (arrival: 5am)

- Been greeted by Pat and Brad at the Osborne home, where Leroy and I spent the night

- Served a huge breakfast by Mrs. Osborne

- Trekked up to Carson City, had spiced cider with mom and sister

- Sojourned to the Leroy Lair, for puppies and guppies, plus Leroy's Mammy gave us some liver

- After a brief stop at Leroy's apartment, we arrived at Clare and were treated to chicken noodle soup and Vivian's homemade sugar cookies

- Watched several episodes of a Dirty Jobs marathon before heading to bed

- Woke up, ate a healthy breakfast and just chatted and played with the kids until lunch (Pumpkin/Chicken Red Chili, a new Vivian creation)

- Set out for Grand Rapids in the Leroymobile

- Hung out with Brian, met his new kitty

- Had dinner (Mexican) with Ashley and Kendra, then checked Auntie Lisa, Ben and Alex, Katie, and Kiki off my shopping list

- Headed back to Brad's apt. for Dance Dance Revolution and the "Leroy gets handsy when he drinks game" (much closer to Tag or Blind Man's Bluff than an actual drinking game, easily as exhausting as DDR)

Bear hugs to everyone we've seen so far: Leroy, Brad, Pat, Mrs. Osborne, Stephanie, Brian O., Bob, mom, Katie, Leroy's Mammy, Lil' Leroy, Vivian, Ben, Alex, Kiki, Kathy, Jim, baby Joseph (neice/nephew number 14), Tim, Brian, Kendra, and Ashley. 

Finally, for the benefit of the group, I have some of the most beautiful metaphors ever used in love lyrics. I especially like "I'll be the platform shoes to undo what heredity's done to you."

I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set 

In my finest suit like a perfect gentlemen.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you...
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zippedstraight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics int his town
And kiss you on the mouth
We'll cut out bodies free 

From the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the ground
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony.

 

That's "Brad New Colony" by The Postal Service, one of my favorite CDs of all time.

Here's the song set to a slideshow, enjoy:

P.S. I know Michael, Pat, Natalie, and Heidi have found their way back to the blog, but is there anyone else out there? Comment and let me know how your Christmas season is going.

Lost (I'm All About the Wordplay)

"See Martin, see Malcolm
See Biggie, see Pac,
See success and its outcome
See Jesus, see Judas
See Caesar, see Brutus,
See success is like suicide
If you succeed,
Prepare to be crucified"
- Jay-Z (from Coldplay's "Lost", feat. Jay)

I have to ask: Do Jay-Z's typical fans even understand his lyrics? By far the best word-players in the industry right now are Barenaked Ladies, Relient K, and Motion City Soundtrack, but since no one listens to them the mantle falls to the rappers. Mantle falls? Did we even understand that allusion?

What about Kanye?:

"Dressed smart like a London bloke.
Before he speak his suit bespoke.
And you thought he was cute before.
Look at this P Coat, Tell me he's broke.
And I know you're not into all that.
And I'm feelin' like Mike at his baddest.
The Pips at they gladest."
- Kanye West (From Estelle's "American Boy")

Probably the most successful song of the year and it contains back-to-back references to Michael Jackson and Gladys Knight and The Pips. Right on.

English is the most versatile and extensive language on the planet, with the richest literary history, the most vocabulary, and fewest innate grammatical structures. It's a gold mine, and why more people aren't excited to search out Shakespeare, Melville, Poe, G.K. Chesterton, The Beatles, and pop music to find out just what our language is capable of is beyond me.

Even if it's just a fart joke in Moby Dick that I didn't get until the fourth time around, the greatest literature that mankind has ever written is worth taking time to understand and it pays dividends.

The fart joke:

"For as in this world, head winds are far more prevalent than winds from astern (that is, if you never violate the Pythagorean maxim)..."

And if you just need some visual stimulation, this is truly awesome (click to enlarge).

Last Christmas

So. Last night I had my first excursion to a new bargain bookstore having decided that I should do something special for my kids and get them each a hand-picked classic novel for Christmas. Add this to the fact that I've had them bring in stockings over the past several days to be filled by their classmates with treats, and you have me being, once again, the sweetest teacher ever.

I put some work into it too. Not only did I flirt excessively with the girl working at the bookstore to get a bulk price, but I matched up each of my homeroom students with a worthwhile literary work (Of Mice and Men, Anne of Green Gables, Our Town, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Hobbit, Little Women, etc).

The end product was thus: sixteen kids with stockings filled with literary goodness and sugary grossness.
And so, the kids opened their stockings, discovered the treasures that they held (the kids brought in homemade candies, cookies, sour straws, hand lotion for the girls, hackey-sack-type balls for the guys, little light-up toys, and so on)...
And guess what?!? They were complete jerks about it. Seriously. I got one thank-you and about a hundred complaints along the lines of "Ms. Brogan's class is doing breakfast, why aren't we doing breakfast," "I'm telling Dr. Prentice that you gave us a party, that way he will HAVE to cancel his lesson plans," "What? I got Wheelock's Latin? (a $30 book), what am I supposed to do with this?"

It sucked. They whined through an awesome holiday party, they whined through getting to watch To Kill a Mockingbird (starring Gregory Peck) and they whined their ways right down the hall and out the door.

Lucky for them I don't have to see their smelly little selves for more than two weeks.

Sheesh.

On the bright side, one little girl sang "Christmas Shoes," one of my two least favorite Christmas songs, but she is so cute that it was worth it. I've got a video clip if you'd like me to post it. Send your requests.

My other least favorite Christmas song is "Mary Did You Know?" mostly because the answer is a simple, resounding "YES". Yes, she did know. An angel told her. Did you even read the Christmas story? Get a life.

24 hours from now I'll be on a too-hot, stuffy plane surrounded by sweating fat people bound for the murder-capital of the world, which, if all remains as it is, will be under ten to twelve inches of snow and dense cloud cover.

The sound quality isn't good, but if anyone should have attempted to remake this song, it was jimmyeatworld.

Someday Soon

Today was the PTO teacher appreciation lunch.

For the 12 teachers in the 7th and 8th grades the parents provided: enchiladas, four kinds of bread, bread sticks, two kinds of ravioli, three soups, chili, four or five kinds of potato/nacho/bean salad, three different flavors of chicken wings (probably 50 of each kind), sub sandwiches, an entire turkey complete with stuffing and all the desserts you could handle.

It was decadent. Especially since I don't usually eat much for lunch.

So, in preparation for writing a bit about Walking Tall (action movie starring The Rock) I did a Google Image search. Turns out it had not just one, but two sequels. Both starring Kevin Sorbo of TV's Hercules: The Legendary Journeys fame. That's when you know your film was a real winner: when you have two sequels in which you downgrade your star from a pro-wrestler to a washed up actor for a USA(the network, not the country)-only drama.



IMDB also thinks that the two sequels were released in the same year...

Anyway, I liked the movie, but, like I Am Legend, it never really went anywhere.

I liked it mostly because it had The Rock in it, but also because it depicts how The Rock's character (Chris Vaughn) returns to his small-town home after a eight year stint in the army only to find that everything he once loved about his hometown has been destroyed. The lumber mill which used to employ most of the town's residents has been shut down and the economic center has become a crooked casino, which both employs Vaughn's ex-girlfriend as a stripper and fronts a meth lab which sells to his teenage nephew.

I guess I like it because it attempted to portray what it's like to open your eyes one day to see just how screwed up the world you thought you knew really is, and how difficult it is to do something about it.

Maybe Hamlet said it best: "The time is out of joint, O cursed spite! That ever I was born to set it right."

Walking Tall claims to be inspired by a true story, which seems unbelievable to me, but if it is true I would love to read more about the story. The idea of one man redeeming a community like that is inspiring.

This post will probably fall on deaf ears, I doubt anyone has seen the movie, but the point is that it affected me because I miss home and if I'm going to be doing good in the world I'd like to be doing it for people I know and love. And, while I don't doubt that in some way I'm being prepared for that where I am, it's difficult to wait.

And if that was boring, he's a YouTube of clips from The Office:



P.S. I'm totally winning at Christmas. More tomorrow. With pictures.

Leave the Bourbon on the Shelf

"'We're on a boat.'
'Yes, I know'
'Do you think death could possibly be a boat?'
'Oh no... No. Death is not.... Death isn't. Take my meaning? Death is the ultimate negative. Not being. You can't not be on a boat.'
'I've frequently not been on boats.'
'No. What you've been is not on boats.'"
- Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead


T-minus two days until break. How ready to be done am I? So ready that I suggested to the younger teachers that we should do a midweek happy hour. How ready to be done are they? They took me up on the offer. $2 pints and half-price appetizers are a great way to end the day. Beer and nachos are a great way to avoid grocery shopping.

Since I discovered the library a couple days ago I've been trying to catch up on movies I've meant to see. So far this includes The Squid and The Whale, Charlie Wilson's War, I Am Legend, and Rozencrantz and Gildenstern are Dead. I've enjoyed all of them so far, except I Am Legend. I just didn't understand why that movie didn't go anywhere. Will Smith only kills like three zombie/vampire/ghouls, he never figures out that they are still sentient (one z/v/g not only comes into the sunlight to save his mate, but he traps Will Smith in a copycat snare and then pursues him to his house), and the dog, who upstages the fresh prince as only a domesticated animal can, dies. Double-U the F.

Today I checked out Walking Tall, because if there's one thing I love more than stock-plot action movies, it's stock-plot action movies starring professional wrestlers.

And now, your moment of Zen:

Feel It All

You guys remember my award show, The Goodies, right? Where I give candy-themed awards in various categories based on how people, events, and media have affected my life in the previous year?

Well, Jenn from Sunflower Management, the physical embodiment of my accursed apartment landlord-conglomerate, clinched the nomination for the Bit-O-Honey (most diabolical influence) award yesterday with "pipes in downstairs frozen, no hot water in Zach's apartment."

Add this to her previous hits "Zach and Brad live in a state park and get snowed on while no one cleans our apartment like they said they had to," "oops, forgot you were signing your lease today, see you never," and "no heat for two days in your apartment on the coldest days Colorado has seen in a hundred years," and I'm pretty sure she's got this one in the bag.

M79

M79 (em-sev-in-tee-ny-nuh): 1. A song by the band Vampire Weekend, the title of which refers to a highway... somewhere... 2. A grenade launcher used in the Vietnam War, also known as the "Wombat Gun."
Tonight is the finale of the first story arc of Heroes season 3, not that anyone really cares at this point. Despite the fact that Heroes has become, as io9.com aptly described it, "the show with no consequences," I still think it has the greatest potential of anything on T.V. to become meaningful, quality entertainment, though perhaps it never will be again.

Obviously, I'm not a fan of Hiro Nakamura as the "human reset button," and time travel is never a good idea, but the real crime is the fact that none of the Petrelli's are dead yet (no, I don't believe in the ending last week's episode).

Even though I've spent the last eight months transitioning into post-college life, being thrown headlong into a potential career, and adjusting to life in a new state and timezone, I feel like I'm heading back to Michigan this Saturday with very little to show for it. I've lost some hair. Had my car and my bike destroyed. Experienced six months of 8th graders being my primary social contact. Gained some weight. But not much else.

The following is a poem by the lovely Hannah Agauas, reprinted here without here permission, though with a strong recommendation to check out her blog: agauas.blogspot.com

My third can of Diet Rite,
My millionth time to waste the night,
Shame to me is sixty cents
Clanging down the plastic vents and
Squeezing into tighter pants.

On the bright side somebody told me that The Killers, who for reasons unknown are on top of my list, are playing a midnight show, so I decided to leave the bourbon on the shelf and I sweet talked a friend of mine (though she did it under the gun) to buy me a ticket for that glamorous rock and roll show. (There are 10 titles of Killers songs in that last sentence)

Seriously though. Killers concert. 17th of Jan. Be there or C-squared.

LYLAS

Hideaway

Are we there yet?

Five more days of school. That's 24 classes, assuming we don't have any two-hour delays. I won't go so far as to hope for a snow day.

So far my Christmas break (I'll be in MI from Dec. 20 to Jan 3rd) includes:

1. House-sitting in Clare while Vivian enjoys an Alabama Christmas
2. Guild New Years
3. Young Life Christmas in Hillsdale
4. Some time in GR with Natalie, The Richardses and possibly Ashley
5. The Motor City Bowl with Brad on the 26th
6. All day shopping trip in Lansing before Christmas (I'm surely not going to pay $15, $40, $100, for additional checked bags)

If you've got something to add to the itinerary just let me know.

Yesterday I had my first Saturday in a coffee house with my new laptop, and in addition to the Kanye disappointment I downloaded: The Weepies, The Fleet Foxes, the complete Killers discography, Viva La Hova - the Coldplay/Jay-Z mash-up, Vampire Weekend, T.V. on the Radio, the new Feist CD, and a String Quartet Tribute to Norah Jones.

Overall, I've gleaned some good songs from each (excepting Kanye), and really enjoyed Feist and The Killers. I'll do my best to broadcast what I've found over the next couple days.

I also realized that my new laptop has a DVD player and so I headed to the library where I picked over the well-gleaned racks for something that wasn't a documentary and ended up with Charlie Wilson's War and The Squid and The Whale. I watched both yesterday before going to a poker party, which involved much drinking, tons of food, and very little poker.

Charlie Wilson's War was entertaining, despite Julia Robert's face. Tom Hanks is always fun to watch, especially when he's a womanizing, alcoholic congressman from Texas. As for The Squid and The Whale, I'm not sure yet what I thought of it. I love Jeff Daniels, and I was relieved that this wasn't another Royal Tennenbaums/Rushmore movie, but it was still mighty strange.

Which reminds me. It's almost time for my annual reading of Moby Dick.

Welcome To Heartbreak

New laptop (courtesy of Mike and Maggie). New music (courtesy of torrentz.com, so sue me). New sense of disappointment and regret (courtesy of Kanye West's new album 808s and Heartbreaks).

This CD is probably the worst thing I've ever come across. I think it might be a prank. I'm pretty sure that either Kayne is singing (rather than rapping) the entire thing in a distorted voice that sounds exactly like Lil' Wayne, or that Lil' Wayne put the entire album together and released it in Kayne's name.

Either way the thing is a bad Usher CD. Please, oh please, if anyone out there has had the strength to listen to the whole album refer me to the track that will prove me wrong.

Also, it turns out I'm so culturally out of step these days that I didn't realize Viva La Hova wasn't an official album, and was angry when I couldn't buy it on iTunes. Turns out the only music I was willing to download legally today is the only music that is only available illegally.

Let's hope Jay-Z can bring me back from this state of utter musical/emotional impotence that Kayne's pseudo-R&B, sorry excuse for a Ne-yo CD has put me in.

Wow.