Last Christmas

So. Last night I had my first excursion to a new bargain bookstore having decided that I should do something special for my kids and get them each a hand-picked classic novel for Christmas. Add this to the fact that I've had them bring in stockings over the past several days to be filled by their classmates with treats, and you have me being, once again, the sweetest teacher ever.

I put some work into it too. Not only did I flirt excessively with the girl working at the bookstore to get a bulk price, but I matched up each of my homeroom students with a worthwhile literary work (Of Mice and Men, Anne of Green Gables, Our Town, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, The Hobbit, Little Women, etc).

The end product was thus: sixteen kids with stockings filled with literary goodness and sugary grossness.
And so, the kids opened their stockings, discovered the treasures that they held (the kids brought in homemade candies, cookies, sour straws, hand lotion for the girls, hackey-sack-type balls for the guys, little light-up toys, and so on)...
And guess what?!? They were complete jerks about it. Seriously. I got one thank-you and about a hundred complaints along the lines of "Ms. Brogan's class is doing breakfast, why aren't we doing breakfast," "I'm telling Dr. Prentice that you gave us a party, that way he will HAVE to cancel his lesson plans," "What? I got Wheelock's Latin? (a $30 book), what am I supposed to do with this?"

It sucked. They whined through an awesome holiday party, they whined through getting to watch To Kill a Mockingbird (starring Gregory Peck) and they whined their ways right down the hall and out the door.

Lucky for them I don't have to see their smelly little selves for more than two weeks.

Sheesh.

On the bright side, one little girl sang "Christmas Shoes," one of my two least favorite Christmas songs, but she is so cute that it was worth it. I've got a video clip if you'd like me to post it. Send your requests.

My other least favorite Christmas song is "Mary Did You Know?" mostly because the answer is a simple, resounding "YES". Yes, she did know. An angel told her. Did you even read the Christmas story? Get a life.

24 hours from now I'll be on a too-hot, stuffy plane surrounded by sweating fat people bound for the murder-capital of the world, which, if all remains as it is, will be under ten to twelve inches of snow and dense cloud cover.

The sound quality isn't good, but if anyone should have attempted to remake this song, it was jimmyeatworld.

The Middle

This guy on the far side of my block has a weekly garage sale entirely directed towards selling one highly overpriced item for his weekly food budget (or so I'm convinced). Today I saw him selling one of those plastic see-through drawer things with wheels, but it didn't have wheels. And he wanted $18.00 for it. Wal-Mart charges $15.00 for the same thing brand new.

On Double-dipping - or - The Art of The Churchathon

Double-dipping: 1) After already dipping a chip, veggie or other food item into any form of dip, salsa or caso, and after taking a bite out of said food item, dipping that same food item a second time into any condiment whatsoever. 2) A little-known practice in which an individual attends multiple church services of different denominations on the same Sunday. 3) Deep frying anything, waiting for the greasy outer shell to dry and then deep frying that bad boy again.

While none of these practices are particularly well-regarded by society and while I do indeed practice all of them, I want to talk today about #2.

For almost my entire last semester at Hillsdale I woke up early on Sunday morning, went to the earliest possible mass at St. Anthony's, slipped out with only minutes to spare before a C.S. Lewis adult Sunday-school class, and then proceeded to a church service at the local United Brethren church. Today I attempted this for the first time in Colorado Springs. After attending the 8am mass at Divine Redeemer, taking a short break to play this game, I took the drive out to New Life Church on the “Jesus side of town" (home of the headquarters of Focus on the Family).

But why would I do this?

Well, that's a very complicated question. Mostly when I was double-dipping last spring it was for the sake of Traverse City sweet-cherry coffee, a heavenly brew served weekly at the C.S. Lewis class. Secondarily though, it's because I wanted to be comparing as critically as possible Catholicism and whatever I can find that closely resembled Grace Church (the church I first attended after becoming a Christian) Protestantism. So, after leaving Hillsdale fairly satisfied that I would be starting confirmation classes when I found a Catholic church in the Springs, I cut out the Protestant side of things for a couple months. So, why am I going back now? Three reasons: coffee, girls, and coffee (originally reason #3 was music, but I've since changed my priorities). To illustrate just how radical of a shift I have to undergo to pull off the double-dip, let me outline the day I've had so far.

Divine Redeemer: Walk in, find a pew, decide if I want to cross myself and genuflect or look more like the wannabe that I am. Look around, find the one person my age amidst the flocks of families who were here being Catholic since before this state was part of America and old Irish grandmothers who have the misfortune of following their grandkids from the east coast out to the desert wasteland of the American West. Sing a couple songs. Homily. Feel weird being the only person who doesn't go up for Communion, and we're done.

New Life: Drive around for 15 minutes trying to find a parking spot. Park in section K row 15. Try to figure out which building on the New Life campus is the one where worship actually happens. Walk through a lobby big enough to hold four Divine Redeemer's into a sanctuary which is probably capable of seating more people and pumping out more decibels than any concert venue in the state. Sit in the one open seat I can find in the 7^th section. Realize that not only does this sanctuary house seven projection screens, a flag for every country and a twelve person band (including a guy with two turn-tables), but also a mosh-pit (not even kidding). Sing a couple REALLY LONG songs. Feel weird being the only person who feels weird about taking Communion, and we're done.

So Zach, after the concert did you sip some hot latte and talk about Purpose Driven Life with a flock of eligible young Jesus-freaks? Nope. I walked around a bit, realized that there was no coffee and that I was a quarter-mile from (though in the same building as) the Guest Center and then once again, for the 12^th Sunday in a row, no one at church spoke to me (outside of the obligatory “good morning” or “peace be with you”) and I left. It's not that I mind that most people I interact with in daily life are trying to get me to join a cult, vote for Obama or give them my loose change. I would just like to talk to some guys my age who aren't cult-leaders and maybe some girls who shave their armpits. Such is life.

Coming this week:

• A helpful product and/or website review (I haven't decided yet).
  
• A tribute to Joss Whedon and his lovable cohorts.
• "The Bachelor's Kitchen"
• More talk with volunteers at the Obama camp and a trip to McCain headquarters.
• A look into exactly how wild (and by wild I mean relatively behind in freedom crushing legislation) the west really is.
• And finally...Some funny stuff.

Got a blog or a personal website? We should trade links. Just link me on your page and leave a comment here with your URL so I can do the same for you.